How to Have the Perfect Birthday
Section One
1. Buy some delicious sausages from a fancy market. They make their sausage fresh everyday and have like a million different kinds. Choose spicy italian all beef.
2. Pick up some corn tortillas. Specifically, white corn.
3. Shiner beer and hard apple cider.
4. Real mesquite charcoal. Like the shit that used to be a tree, and then they burned it and covered it in Texas soil to let it bake into the most perfect grilling material in the world.
Section Two
1. Drive down to Galveston with your dog panting in your lap because of all the “evil” cars zooming by her face.
2. Laugh with your best friend about this. A lot. Make fun of your dog relentlessly.
3. Make your best friend drive forever and a day down the seawall to find the most secluded public access point.
4. Notice that someone else has had the same idea and is throwing a bonfire on this beach (which is illegal in Galveston).
5. Try to make your charcoals a bonfire. This will fail. But they will look more and more perfect for an awesome grilling time.
Section Three
1. Cuddle in the back seat of the car together with the door facing the dunes open. Listen to the ocean. Tell each other silly stories. Especially tell the story of your most awesome birthday where your mother gave you skates from the resale store but made new blue and purple pom poms for them. Tell your best friend how you got to be Kristi Yamaguchi for your birthday party when you all went to the basketball court across the street and skated your hearts out. Tell him about your mom lighting candles and giving one to each of your classmates to tell scary stories by before going to bed. Tell him the stories were not scary but made us all giggle. This is a long but crucial step.
2. Notice that you are having the same amount of fun right now as you did on your best birthday.
3. Call your friends and be a douche and cancel.
Section Four
1. Notice that your hotdogs have burnt.
2. Throw the blackened tortilla at your best friend. Laugh about how it sounds like your fingernail is scraping concrete when touching the tortilla.
3. Get out those sausages.
4. Put them on the cooler sides of your grill. Notice that those mesquite charcoals are absolutely the shit and vow never ever to use those weird square charcoal so long as you both may live. Vow to spread their tale to everyone, cooking identified and not.
5. Keep telling stories. Snuggle. Make fun of your dog for now hiding under the dashboard.
Section Five
1. Check on those sausages. Holy shit! Is that them? They look amazing.
2. Listen to your best friend complain about the cold.
3. Tell them you have a puppy jacket your grandparents got you for Christmas. Give him your hand to prove how super warm you are. Gloat.
4. Take the sausages off the grill. Put some tortillas on. Flip them.
5. Wrap your sausage in the tortilla and chow down. Aka, find heaven.
Section Six
1. Drink some Shiner’s. Tell your best friend that this is amazing.
2. Listen to the ocean while cuddling. Notice that since you’ve lifted the lid on your pit, the super hot charcoals from heaven are now keeping a flame. It’s almost a bonfire.
3. Watch the bonfire across the way. Watch the police come and tell them no bonfires. Laugh.
4. Eat some of the brownies you made earlier. You smarty you. Those are some awesome brownies.
5. Listen to you best friend wax poetical on blow jobs. Gloat.
Section Seven
1. Clean up. You’ve been pretty organized. This is easy.
2. Kick the pit over and pour some beer on the hot coals to get an awesome bread smell.
3. Take your wimpy dog for one last walk. Realize maybe the puppy jacket is not as toasty as you had hoped during this expedition.
4. Seriously start to leave.
5. Notice that you won’t even have to stay up all late to drive home. Since it’s just you two, you can leave the “party” super early and no one will be the wiser.
2 years ago • Notes